Swinky Safety: Safety in Kink/BDSM

Almost everyone will tell you that safety is very important, and they are right. The world of kink and BDSM covers a lot of territory, and much of it is edgy and inherently dangerous. Even though our goal at Swinky Life is to introduce you the the “lighter, gentler” side of kink play, safety is always a concern. You need to know yourself. You also need to play with people you trust, and have good communication. Consent, negotiation, signals, safewords, and frank discussions about your likes, wants, needs, and limits are all part of it.

Swinky Safety

Given that, why do we feel the need to re-invent the wheel here? Honestly, it was heavily debated. The entire purpose of SwinkyLife is to make kink more approachable to people who may initially find it intimidating. Starting that conversation off with “This shit is dangerous, be fucking careful, here are all the rules you need to follow!” may feel very scary. On the other hand, we all agreed it was important that we honor this truth in an appropriate fashion.

Why is Swinky different than Kinky?

I am primarily a rope top, so I am going to answer that question from that perspective. First, lets loosely define Swinky as “Kinky BDSM play, for lighthearted fun, done really well.”. It has been my observation that people who are close to swinky through their own experiences have a few things in common, and those things prevent them from hitting the “done really well” mark. For instance, as a rope top, one of the things I normally see is really sloppy rope work. Why is that a problem if I am just tying you to the bed to tickle and spank you? Great question…

Swinky dangers

So there you are… you tied your partner to the bed, and the spanking is about to commence. And then, you feel the mood shift, and she says “My fingers are going to sleep, can you loosen that wrist?”. But you did not tie a good knot, and now, with the lights down and the frustration mounting, the knot won’t budge. Night over.

Or… you are spanking and tickling, it is all going great, and suddenly, she has a leg free. A knot slipped loose, and the fantasy begins to slide away as she realizes she can resist much better now. Or even worse, she accidentally kicks you in the balls!

Or… she is very nervous, but agrees to try it. You start tying her up, and halfway in, she has a full on panic attack. She is screaming and jerking around like a wild animal tied to a stake. You are freaking out because you can’t untie the knots, because suddenly you can’t remember how you tied them in the first place. Now, you have no way to get her out quickly and safely.

While Swinky is Kinky BDSM light, and we seek to keep in relatively low risk, it is still kink, it is still edge play, and it does still have risks. We will work hard to design all of our workshops to teach you the most fun for the least risk, and we will have honest conversations about those risks in those workshops. But even then, there is risk, and we would be irresponsible if we did not provide the proper safety considerations for you.

Swinky Safety, The Nuts and Bolts

So with that backdrop, here is our most basic guide to safety for Swinky play:

Consent

Everything we would call Swinky has consent built in. We teach, and show, all of this as couples play or group play where everyone is there because they explicitly want to be. We do not dive into the world of hardcore D/s dynamics, or forced submissiveness, or consensual non-consent. Those things are kinky, but not swinky. Ask your lover if they want to play, in the way you learned together, either in a workshop or an online tutorial. If they say yes, then you have consent to play inside the scope of what you have both learned together. That is not blanket consent, it is clearly defined consent. It is important, but you don’t have to struggle with it either.

Consultation

Once you have consent, then talk about what you want to do. This is often called negotiation… but, again, that is kinky, and carries implications of D/s and power struggles. That is not Swinky. A quick, simple, potentially playful and romantic chat about what you would like to do this go round is fine. “Tonight I would like you to leave one hand free so I can hold you while you fuck me.”, is just fine. And with experience, with the same lover, this will happen much more freely and naturally. Knowing what everyone is up for, and what they expect, before you get started, will help keep everyone safe and happy.

Communication

Once the wheels are spinning, don’t go silent. If it feels good, say so; If it feels bad, say so; If you are unsure, say so. Again, Swinky is not about D/s obedience and master/slave relationships. So speak up!! If you’re being the Top tonight, then check in with your partner often. Ask if they’re doing ok? How does it feel? Is there something you should be doing differently? And if you’re the one being tied up tonight, be sure to let your playmate know how you’re feeling. Does anything feel uncomfortable? Do you need to slow down a minute and get your bearings? Do you want more of one thing and less of another? Good two way communication is probably the most important part of keeping your swinky play safe.

SAFE WORDS: Anytime you look up safety and BDSM, you are going to see something about having safewords. In many cases, they can be very important. But, AT THIS LEVEL, you do not HAVE to have them. Personally, I would prefer that you focus on communicating openly and honestly, and listening carefully. BUT, if there is any element of D/s, forced submission, or an embedded fantasy role play like “Oh, please master, don’t smack my ass again, please”… then you should have safe words. At SwinkyLife, we use a simple Green/Yellow/Red system, where:

• Green means “This is awesome, more more more!”
• Yellow means “Please back off and slow down, I need to process that”
• RED means “We are totally done, take the ropes off of me right now, then hold me, care for me, and let’s talk about it later.”

Consistency

There is a difference between a pleasant surprise and an unpredictable behavior that makes your lover nervous. Consistency in the way you apply rope, tie knots, speak to your lover, push and pull, act and react… these all inspire confidence. That consistency will improve with practice, so play often!!

Confidence

NOT Arrogance. Confidence comes from knowing your shit and being good at it. We will teach you, but you will need to practice. But with all SwinkyLife workshops, everything is designed to be couple centric and fun, so practice will be a delight! And knowing you are good enough to be confident will make your play more safe.

Consideration

Always consider your partners perspective. This is likely an experiment for both of you… maybe they will like it, maybe they won’t. Maybe you will like it, maybe you won’t. Maybe it’s something they like now, but they won’t like it so much later. Be okay with change and growth. The journey is the destination. Making someone else feel like they have to do something because you want to is not Swinky, and not safe.

Swinky Safety, The Final Word

The internet is full of blogs and posts with “The Definitive Most Important Authoritative Official List of BDSM Safety Rules“. They all have good stuff to say and offer. At SwinkyLife, for our introductory and basic workshops, we keep the scope very safe. We want you to begin your exploration without being afraid, and without having to worry about tons of safety rules. At the end of the day, it comes down to this:

1. Know what you are doing, and don’t experiment with some crazy new idea in the middle of a play scene.
2. Talk, openly and honestly, in whatever way is comfortable for you and your playmate.
3. AT THIS LEVEL, this should “feel” edgy, and it should push buttons on sensations that maybe you never thought of as fun or sexy before. AT THIS LEVEL it should NOT really hurt, and you should NOT ever really feel afraid. If that happens, you are not being safe.

So be safe, and go have some Swinky fun!