We get questions from both swingers and kinksters, asking us why we have any attraction to the other group. What’s the attraction? How can you do that?.

When we present workshops at swinger and kink events, we are often asked to teach our “Bridging the Gap” workshop. “Bridging the Gap Between Swingers and Kink” provides the opportunity to discuss what we feel those differences, questions, answers, and beliefs are in a group setting. By discussing and identifying the core differences between the two communities, our goal is to find a place where these differences can be smoothed over, with proper respect in both directions, to come to some understanding and graceful acceptance of each others’ chosen lifestyle.

The Strange Divide Between Swingers and Kinksters

As our experience within both the swinger and kinkster communities grew, we were continuously surprised at how swingers and kinksters viewed one another, or better yet, did not even understand each other. We met swingers who denied being “kinky”, yet you couldn’t find an open spot in the dungeon. We met kinksters who were so interested in learning about our non-monogamous relationships, yet whispered their inquiries to us in hushed voices. The disconnect can be very confusing.

Language Differences

After a few years of being in both communities, we believe much of the dissent between the two groups comes from differences in language, cultural norms, etiquette, and expectations. That is a lot, to be sure…but it is also all understandable, and manageable.

What is The Lifestyle?

Each community has its own culturally accepted language, and between the communities, those languages are sometimes at odds with one another. A good example of language differences is the phrase “The Lifestyle” itself. Even that term is very situational between swingers and kinksters.

• “Lifestyle” to swingers generally describes dynamics that involve ethical non-monogamy, open relationships, and sex with multiple partners … the swinger lifestyle
• “Lifestyle” to Kinksters generally describes relationships that involve “non-normative” activities and “non-normative” behaviors, such as rope and impact play, and the excitement and satisfaction those activities and behaviors bring. The relationship may be intimate and sexual by nature, or it may be strictly a kink dynamic without feelings, intimacy, or sex
• “Lifestyle” to power exchange couples generally describes a relationship structure that is highly imbalanced in a way that suits the desires of both partners; usually with dominant and submissive roles. It may or may not be monogamous, and it may or may not indulge in kinky behavior.

Consent Differences

Another battleground topic is that of consent. This is probably the most highly contested issue between the two communities. While both communities support consent and have their own well-established cultural norms around it, they are vastly different. And those differences, depending on how they are expressed, explained, and interpreted between the two groups, can cause serious misunderstandings.

For Kinksters

In the Kink community, talking about consent and receiving verbal consent is real, mandatory, and non-negotiable. This makes a lot of sense when you consider that much of the behavior that kinksters engage in can, if it goes badly, cause serious bodily harm and damage. Accordingly, the notion of consent is taken very, very seriously.

For Swingers

In the Swinger community, consent is also real, however, for a variety of reasons, it is not the same thing as it is in the Kink community. Many times in the swinger community, consent feels implied; if you attend a swinger house party, the assumption is that you are there to flirt and possibly have sex. Touching someone tenderly on the arm or shoulder is usually accepted without the need for verbal permission. Swingers tend to look for and accept non-verbal cues as consent. None of it is “wrong” but activity at this level is generally not considered a violation of consent. However, inappropriate touching of private parts and “inappropriate behaviors” are not implied and are not tolerated. As a whole, swingers believe that every person has a right to their own body, who touches it, and how it is treated.

Finding Commonality

What is important to understand and remember is that while there are differences in these ideas and their expression, the concepts of communication and consent are still in place, and important, to both swingers and kinksters. Both communities have fairly well-defined notions of consent for themselves and hold to them with pride.

All groups have the occasional bad player, but in truth, most people are working to respect everyone else. At the same time, if you choose to be a member of multiple communities, and those communities have strongly held beliefs that are very different, it is, ultimately, up to YOU… not THEM… to figure out how to navigate those differences with graceful fluidity.

Myths and Misconceptions

Swinging

Speaking of labels… we have come to the conclusion that we don’t like labels. And while many labels are useful, sadly, some are just plain damaging. When a label is used to simply impune an entire group of individuals, it becomes bad.

For instance, these are some labels that can be used when talking about swingers …

• Swingers are sluts Swingers are promiscuous
• Swingers are just interested in fucking
• Swingers do not respect consent
• Swingers have no boundaries
• Swingers have no morals or ethics

To the contrary, not all swingers:

• have bad marriages
• have gratuitous sex
• have STIs
• are young
• or old
• look like Ken & Barbie
• are couples
• love orgies
• swap wives
• not all female swingers are bisexual

Kink

Bad labeling also gets applied to the Kink community. In our experience, some of the more common, but wrongheaded, things we often hear about kinksters:

• Kinksters just like to hurt people
• Kinksters are emotionally damaged
• Kinksters are all about pain and humiliation
• Kinksters are fuckin weird
• Kinksters are emotionally vacuous
• Kinksters don’t know how to be intimate
• Kinksters never just have sex

On the contrary, not all kinksters:

• Are freaks or deviants or weird
• Want to hurt their partner
• Believe that submissives have no say
• Think it’s all about pain
• Do things that are dangerous
• Wear leather and latex
• Abuse their partners

None of these are inherently true. And none of it applies to large groups of people universally. It is important to understand that human beings do align themselves around ideologies and behaviors, and strength in numbers is a powerful force. But within any community, you will find amazing diversity and differences of opinion…and those labels of unification will break down quickly when you try to apply them too strictly to larger groups.

Bridging the Gap

How do we bridge the gap? Well, we think of it a bit like being a world traveler. If you are going to a different country, you need to speak the language. The more you can do that, the more likely you are to have a successful trip. However, learning a new language is not easy…and the amount of time and energy you do (can) devote to it may depend on many things… how long are you going to be there? Who are you going to see? Business or pleasure? Serious or frivolous? But no matter the answers, it is up to you to make the changes, not them, and this is where the respect comes in. We believe that to successfully bridge the gap takes four things:

1. Education – No matter which side of this dichotomy you start from, before engaging with the other side, take some time to learn about them. (Swinky Life is a great resource here!) Learn their language, their emotional drivers, their morals and ethics, and above all, their beliefs regarding consent.
2. Respect – Once you have learned a few things, respect them. If you are going to put yourself into a different community, be totally comfortable playing by their rules.
3. Understanding – Education and respect are about behaviors, not beliefs. (Okay, respect is borderline, but you can BE respectful without actually respecting someone.) But this is where we really can really bridge the gap. True understanding requires some empathy, some ability to see the world through their eyes and say to yourself “Oh, yeah, this makes sense, I totally get it and understand how they could feel that way”. You can completely understand and still make different choices for yourself. Real understanding should prevent you from feeling the need to express the notion that you are right, and they are wrong. If you still feel that way, then maybe you are not yet ready to really bridge that gap.
4. Acceptance – Finally, this… the absence of judgment and negative thought, full acceptance of your brethren with all of their unique differences. At the last few kink events we have attended, I have been personally struck by the emotional impact, and have said to my swinkmates multiple times… late at night, in the dungeon, after all of my scening is done, the rope is all over the floor in a pile, implements of love and affection lying scattered around, I sit, and just look around… and I am deeply moved watching other people engage in behaviors that I know many people would call deviant, dangerous, humiliating, and unconscionable… and all I see are amazing human beings displaying trust, intimacy, love, and gratification with one another, in a room full of acceptance and love. And while that description is specifically kinky, I can also say the same of many 3-day weekend swinger parties I have attended.

We are not so different after all.

The Swinky Life Mission

Swinky Life’s mission is to help bridge the gap between swingers and kinksters, with education, demonstration, and hands-on instruction. Accordingly, we present this discussion from both perspectives. We help kinksters understand swingers differing ideas of consent, different social norms, and different expressions of affection. We help swingers understand kinksters and show respect, etiquette, and proper decorum. We know, through our own experience, that both communities are full of amazing human beings, and can fill a life with amazing experiences. And we want to share all of this with everyone.

Are you going to an event soon with educational tracks and workshops? Are you involved with organizing and putting on such events? We would love to hear from you… our mission is to spread the word far and wide while meeting amazing people and building amazing relationships with them. We would love to come to your event. We would love to present at your event. Drop us a line, and let’s see what happens!

~ Phoenix and Myrina