Quaranteaming

Welcome to the new normal.

This is a very different blog than I ever envisioned when this site was created. This site is all about blending swinging with kinky… both of those involve lots of human contact, and frankly, the basic concepts are about expanding relationships. Sadly, the current state of the world is strongly encouraging NOT expanding your relationships, especially those that involve direct physical human contact. So what is a swinky group to do?

This blog will be about how we have responded to the Covid-19 pandemic. We made these decisions during the week of March 16th, which, if you look at the history of what happened in the US, was before the country as a whole was going into lockdown anywhere.

How we got here…

In our first blog, we discussed the 4 members of our collective, and there will be follow up blogs that discuss our history and where we came from. Suffice it to say, we are two couples that are tightly involved with each other, so much so that (to everyone’s surprise) we all chose to begin describing ourselves as a polyamorous square…two couples dating each other, where every opposing corner is in a relationship with it’s two adjacent corners (called Roshambo here)… about half a year ago. We were still very avid and active swingers at that time, so we were not in any way a closed square, but it was our way of signifying that we had something very, very different going on among us than the normal amazing lifestyle friendships we had made through the years (and I am serious… even those others involved shared vacations and cruises and road trips and more 3 day weekends than I can count, so they were serious relationships in their own right).

So, we had this young, vibrant, hotter than fuck foursome evolving, full of NRE (new relationship energy) where everyone was getting along amazingly well, and the two new M/F corners of the square were becoming deeply emotionally entwined… it was all awesome. So that is the short version of who we were.

And then… a global pandemic arrived on the scene.

Due to family medical issues, the four of us had already been separated for a few months. As the Covid-19 pandemic began to arrive and unfold on US shores, we began to seriously discuss what was about to happen. With one of us several states away, there were concerns about air travel. As we discussed what was going on, we became more concerned that things may go bad quickly, and so with some swift maneuvering, our missing piece of the square was able to rearrange things and return home with their family.

We had several irons in the fire relative to Swinky Life, as well as our lovers’ own new podcast, The Accidental Swingers. We were developing workshops to present at upcoming lifestyle events this summer, and were negotiating the details of making those things come to reality. We had vacation plans and our own lifestyle events that we wanted to attend already planned and paid for. And now, we had to begin evaluating how all of that may look, in a new reality that was unknown, fluid, and changing very fast at that point.

And so, without knowing it (since it was not even a word at that point in time) we began laying the groundwork for our own personal Quaranteaming, Swinky Style.

The choices we made

The first, and easiest, decision that we made, was to close ranks within our little square, and pledge to no outside sexual activity of any kind. No house parties, no private play dates, no clubs, no happy hours, no meat and greets, no lifestyle activities of any kind. That happened the first day after we all got back together, after the medical traveling was taken care of. It was, for the four of us, a simple, easy decision. At this point, in hindsight, we think “Duh, No Shit!”, and yet, we still have many other friends in the lifestyle who seem to be taking a “Hey, it’s all good, let’s have a little house party this weekend” approach, and we simply cannot understand what they are thinking.

And so, without realizing it was about to become a thing, this was the beginning of our quaranteaming. We were locking the door on all outsiders, but choosing to keep it open within our square, which, honestly, we think of as chosen family.

Over the next few weeks, as events unfolded rapidly and all levels of government scrambled to understand and respond appropriately to what was going on, we faced many new questions day by day.

So, to tie it all together, I will simply describe where we are now, rather than all the steps that got us here..

Where we are now

We are still quaranteaming. We get together about three times a week, for a few days each time. That means we are spending about 80% of our time together, alternating between our two homes. When we need supplies, we have an online shopping list we update, and ONE single member of the square goes to the store and does most, if not all, of the square’s shopping for the week… or, if possible, two weeks. This helps us limit exposure. We cook our meals together, and eat and drink together.

We only travel between our respective homes, and to the grocery store and gas station as needed. We strictly limit our human contact of ANY kind beyond that. We all have masks and gloves, and we use them. Like most of the rest of the country, our relationship with Amazon, which was already over the top, has exploded. We have each converted a room in our houses into, essentially, a living room/office/bedroom/playspace to allow us some ability to continue enjoying our hobbies, with appropriate privacy, without breaking our social distancing guidelines. And, of course, the biggest benefit for us specifically, is that we all still sleep with one another, and when the context is appropriate, we all still get to play swinky games together. Not much, since we all still have older children living at home, but some.

But it is about way more than that… in the last few months, we have supported one another through various medical issues, the potential closing of a small business, the surviving of large group layoffs at work, and the pay cuts that came with that survival, the struggles we are all facing with food, exercise, and what may be called “a little too much togetherness”, and the dawning awareness that this may be a very long game for us to play.

Swinky Life, and all the workshops we were setting up for this summer, and The Accidental Swingers and the progress they were hoping to make, are almost stopped dead in the water. The immediate future is one of re-thinking, re-organizing, and re-structuring, and we work on that with enormous energy and tenacity. But we do it with a shared sense of compassion for the struggle of it all, and undying loyalty to one another and the life we want to create for ourselves.

When the Corona virus pandemic began, Quaranteaming was not even a word, and we were very aware that what we were doing had risks, but we felt the additional mitigation of 4 people supporting two families would ultimately result in less exposure and less risk for all of us. While we miss all of our dear friends, and the fun times with them, as we watch other friends (who are seemingly feeling the loss more than we are) make questionable choices about their social lives, we are also acutely aware that our ability to be with one another has huge value for our emotional health. Now, a scant month later, it is the new trend.

What Quaranteaming is NOT

At this point, I feel obligated to be very specific about the easiest way to make Quaranteaming fail. To be blunt, cheat… or, to be less blunt, quaranteam with lots of people, all of your friends or family, and have no accountability to each other for what is really going on when you are not together. That is not us… it is the four of us, and NO ONE ELSE. Because, anything else would be, effectively, sticking our head in the sand and pretending. And, to be honest, we realize this does not keep us safe… there is no “safe” at this point. But we do believe it greatly reduces our overall risk of exposure, and it definitely helps our mental health and our mood.

We realize, and discuss often, that our quaranteaming may not be technically permitted by various governmental orders and guidelines, but we are acting responsibly and doing our part to minimize the risk of transmission. While we consider each other chosen family, we are not legally or genetically related. And while we adamantly maintain that we are caring for one another, we also completely understand, this is not comparable to caring for sick or elderly family members. But the reality is, what we are doing is in fact lowering our risk, and keeping us all safer.

Are you Quaranteaming?

At this point, if you are not already part of a small isolated group that has also been doing this, it would be very difficult to safely form a quaranteaming group without testing to ensure nobody in the group has been exposed. But if, like us, you and yours paid close attention, and made early choices, and drew hard lines in the sand and kept to them… then good for you. And if, on the tough days, you questioned your choices, from us to you, you made the best choice, and you should feel good about that.

A deep, strong theme that runs through everything about Swinky Life, is the idea of living a life filled with pleasure, and taking good care of those you seek pleasure with. In the crazy new world we all live in, quaranteaming is a great way to balance the need for social contact while minimizing the risk of transmission.

Stay safe, and if you can, be swinky!