Why do you spend all this time doing this stuff?

When most people think kink, they think “Tie me to the bed and spank me” … WE think “Wrap me up in rope… tease me as you tie each limb down…when I am immobilized, let your fingers show me where you have access that I cannot do anything about… tease me until I am wet and panting… then spank my ass, gently and slowly at first, intermixing a smack with your hand with soft, gentle rubbing on the pink spot it leaves on my ass… going faster and harder until my pussy is dripping… then have your way with me.”  This is Swinky … and this is why we spend all this time doing “this stuff”.

But this is still one of the more common questions we hear from our swinger friends when they first learn about our interest in, or see us practicing, kinky sex play.  This is a very valid and very real question… good kink often takes time. It could take you 20 minutes to tie your lover up, and another 10 to untie her when you are done, and that adds a half hour to your play date… and that is just the tying and untying, not any other kink play.  So yes, it takes time. But we think it is totally worth it… and we think you will too!

Under closer consideration though, this is potentially two different questions, and we want to break it down and address both of them.  The first way this could be interpreted is “Why does kinky play take this long?”

First we want to acknowledge that kink carries a requirement to be safe, and while we start our classes at very simple levels, we can never ignore the safety aspect.  Depending on what you are doing, and with whom, there may be upfront conversations to have with your partner of the moment about their previous experience, their desires, their limitations, their boundaries, and a safe word.  In more advanced kink, medical concerns, non-verbal signals, in process feedback, and aftercare may also need to be included. This conversation may only take a minute or two, or it may be an entire “Let’s have a cup of coffee and discuss this” thing… but either way, it is time spent.

We also know, from our own experiences, that most house parties, and most swinger groups and communities, have a tempo that is uniquely their own.  Whether that tempo is fast or slow is not important… there is a tempo. And so, adding in some activity that carries the overhead of extra time can quickly put you out of tempo.  When this becomes an issue, the temptation is to speed things up, but that does not work well, because the safety of your partner is your primary concern. Tying someone to a bed can be done in a very fast and sloppy way, but if the ropes get loose or come completely untied, then the mood could be ruined or worse yet, injuries could occur.  Taking the time to do it right, and keep your partner safe, is vital. And that is the first reason why good kink takes time.

The second way this question could be interpreted is “Why is it worth it to you to spend all the time to do this?”.  Over and over and over again, our playmates talk about how amazingly hot the sex is after kink play. It goes right to the heart of what makes sex fun and exciting for all of us… the trust, the intimacy, the taboo nature, the anticipation… these all make sex so much better, but these benefits are not free.  One of the prices is time, and this is the second reason good kink will take time. But if play for you is about building amazing connected relationships and pushing your personal boundaries, as opposed to just getting your rocks off, then the return on investment for that time is well worth it. We will explore this part more deeply in our next blog.

Until then, remember, the journey IS the destination.  Have fun being Swinky!

~ PhoenixPhyre (with help from everyone else)